Ninth Stage

[A] leaked email from the Environment Agency to a vegetarian campaign group contains the worrying news that it now appears to be official government policy to turn the entire population into vegans – no meat, fish or dairy products – as a way to “help save the planet”. No, really.

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Road Safety Nazis (close cousins of the Health and Safety Gestapo) are arguing that smoking at the wheel should be made illegal, with a £60 fine and three points for those who transgress. Apparently lighting a cigarette and then often dropping it into your lap while in the fast lane of the motorway is regarded as dangerous driving and results in the death of 1,327 people a year. (I made that last bit up, but you’d never know.)

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The parents of babies and toddlers are to be required to record the progress of their children in new “learning diaries” to be introduced by Big Bro … sorry … the government. They’ll be encouraged to log details of every activity attempted by their offspring, ranging from stacking play bricks to reciting nursery rhymes.

- Barry Beelzebub